i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
