i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
