my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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