I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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