if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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