is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I want to fling myself into the sun
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
