is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
