found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
