We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
