Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
