there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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