I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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