you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
3pm strippers are depressing
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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