there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
