Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
