I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
