Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
