I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
