just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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