I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
