Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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