billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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