she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
