I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
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