I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
