Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
