My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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