Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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