Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
