Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
