I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
