my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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