I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
