Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
