the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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