I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Apparently you make a good broom.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Oh god it's open bar.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
