It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
