Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
