I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
