dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
