i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
