i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
