How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
