Got a toothbrush?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
