Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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