you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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