My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize