Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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