My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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