Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
