Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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