While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
