I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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