mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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