Midget sex pt 2 tonight
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
