my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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