Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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