My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I've blown a few things in my day
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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