The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
