My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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